


Headliner

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Utter Nonsense [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I seriously have no clue what this is, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Random & Short, Rhodey & Tony vs Nazis basically, Tony Being Tony, Tony Does What He Wants, but its pretty funny i guess, so um here have it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 16:42:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12868710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Steve shakes his head, “I can’t believe this is a real headline about a real person we know,” he says, looking down at a paper Bucky had collected on his way out of work earlier in the morning.This is basically Tony and Rhodey vs HYDRA being Nazi assholes. Why? Felt necessary.





	Headliner

**Author's Note:**

> I have no clue what this is but hey, its got Rhodey being a badass so hey! Neato!

Steve shakes his head, “I can’t believe this is a real headline about a real person we know,” he says, looking down at a paper Bucky had collected on his way out of work earlier in the morning. He had quickly distributed it among their friends even though Rhodey had technically already told them about his wild day previously.

“Have you seen the video? It’s ten times funnier than the headline,” T’Challa says. “American politics is a mess right now, but I have to admit your ability to make a good meme out of anything is impressive.”

Rhodey sighs, “well I’m glad you’re all laughing because I wasn’t. Guess who had to rescue Whitey McWhite White out of the crowd of white supremacists? _Me_ , the _black man_.” He loved Tony but he really needed to stop making stupid decisions with his minority friends around. Next time he pulled this shit he better be with Steve, who was probably ten times more willing to fight than Rhodey was. He wasn’t really violent by nature, or confrontational unless he needed to be, but Steve would fight just about anything or anyone.

Sam shakes his head, smiling, “yeah but then we got this _stellar_ video of you punching three whole Nazis out,” he says.

“As opposed to what, three half Nazis?” he asks sarcastically.

“Well they are certainly are half witted,” Thor mumbles, earning a laugh from T’Challa.

“Okay but look at Tony’s fucking face- this is the face of a man who knows he’s doing something really stupid but he’s having too much fun to stop it,” Bucky says, pointing at the grainy picture of Tony. He’s looking behind him with an amused but slightly concerned look on his face, which was pretty warranted considering there was a HYDRA member on his ass carrying a large flag on a pole.

“Please,” T’Challa says, “enlighten us on how this scene even happened.” He leans forward; placing his head on his now folded hands as he waits for Rhodey to explain. Everyone else in the room leans forward too, obviously interested in the story of how Tony decided to be stupid and antagonize some white supremacists with Rhodey at his side. On any given day Rhodey would be laughing with the others because honestly Tony’s response to finding white supremacists down the road from SI was objectively hilarious, but it was less hilarious when Rhodey was risking his ass to go save his dummy of a boyfriend from getting his ass handed to him. Tony might box regularly but he sucked at it, Rhodey was his only hope for survival thanks to his military training. Which he hoped didn’t come back to bite him in the ass later, not that Tony couldn’t pay the problem away but still.

He sighs, “so we were at the office when Tony got all weird on me and I wasn’t really worried because you all know how he is. Anyways so he leaves the office and comes back with a freaking squirt bottle and tells me to go with him because he had some things to do. Obviously the squirt bottle is involved and since the last time he handled cleaning products went so badly I figured it was best to follow him and make sure he didn’t do something dumb.”

T’Challa frowns, “what happened the last time he handled cleaning products?” he asks.

Bucky snorts, “chlorine gas. Dumbass didn’t look at the labels before mixing.”

“Some genius,” T’Challa mumbles and Rhodey is more than inclined to agree.

“Right, so we’ve established that Tony shouldn’t be around cleaning stuff so I follow him. But then he leaves the building and I get a bad feeling but I already know I’m in too deep, _then_ we get down the street and I see the flags and I _know_ I’m about to have to do some stuff I don’t want to because I’m too good a person and I can’t just leave Tony to die even if I debated on it for a couple seconds.”

He hears a scandalized gasp from behind him and turns to find Tony there, “platypus, you thought about _abandoning_ me?”

“You were headed at white supremacists and I am very _not white_ , I didn’t want to deal with that but I knew you were about to do something very Tony StarkTM and you were gunna need my help so I stayed,” he says.

Tony still looks mock offended but he walks into the room and makes himself at home in Rhodey’s lap, which was so unneeded but he had spied Rhodey’s pizza and apparently decided sitting in a man’s lap to eat his food was acceptable. Tony goddamn Stark for you. “Still offended, honeybee.”

He rolls his eyes and wraps an arm around Tony’s waist, “leave some of that for me. Anyways so Tony walks right up to this one guy- who’s the biggest asshole in the crowd might I add- grabs his flag and starts spraying it down and at this point I am wondering what the hell he’s doing but I’m off at the edge of the crowd because I don’t want to get involved if I don’t need to. Thankfully, and this is the only time I will ever say something like this, the HYDRA guy asks what he’s doing and I’m like ok cool, I’ll figure out what my idiot boyfriend is doing so I can get him the hell out of there.”

Tony laughs at this point, covering his mouth to avoid pizza escaping it. “Not gunna lie the look on that guy’s face was hilarious.”

“It was _not_ hilarious I had to fight _Nazis_!” Rhodey tells him. “Bet my parents didn’t anticipate their kid would be doing _that_ when they marched in Civil Rights movements,” he mumbles.

“It was the most badass thing I’ve seen Rhodey do,” Tony says.

“You know you can confront these people when I am not around to potentially get killed, come on, man,” Rhodey tells him.

Tony gives him a _look_ , “you’ve been in active war zones, I figured some HYDRA assholes were less scary than that,” he says.

“Not when they’re writing the laws of the damn country you live in! Anyways so the Nazi scum asks what’s up and Tony is like ‘don’t you think it’s ironic that your white pride flag is black? I figured I’d take the liberty of bleaching it out for you,’” he says in a terrible imitation of Tony’s voice. “And that’s when the Nazis started chasing him around, but not before Tony managed to gat ahold of three more flags, the crowd was going wild because they realized it was _Tony Stark_ doing all this, and at some point I realized shit was getting real so I had to go save his dumb ass.”

Bucky leans forward and gives Tony a high five and Rhodey sighs, “what did I tell y’all about encouraging him?”

“I didn’t need their encouragement, this morning’s news paper was more than enough,” he says and Rhodey sighs.

“Can’t you find a more efficient way to fuck Nazis up? Like buying everything and anything related to HYDRA and burning it to the ground or something?” he asks and Tony’s eyes grow wide.

“I’m going to do that _right now_ , who wants to burn Nazi things with me!” he asks and Bucky all but jumps over the table they were gathered around.

“Hell _yeah_ I wanna burn Nazi things! We should call Erik,” he says and Tony nods.

“Don’t call the house, Charles will probably answer and he’ll try and talk Erik out of it and we can’t have that,” Tony says.

Rhodey resigns himself to Tony’s antics as Sam and T’Challa lean forward again, “so how did you end up punching the Nazis?” Sam asks.

“Oh, one of ‘em got ahold of me,” Tony supplies but Sam raises an eyebrow at Rhodey.

He gives Tony a long suffering look, “I love you, but you make some dumb decisions. Anyways so one of ‘em gets ahold of Tony and I’m not about to let anything happen so I sneak in quick and grab Tony away before things get serious and this is where it’s supposed to end.”

“But then you punched three Nazis and became my personal hero,” Sam says, laughing.

He nods, “well, yeah. So this guy looks me up and down in all my beautiful black glory and he’s like ‘look, I don’t wanna hurt you, I have no problem with you people’.” This earns a loud snort from Sam and an eye roll from both T’Challa and Thor. “I know, I know. But I was like okay; maybe I can talk this out because I had to consider my safety, Tony’s safety, and the safety of the now pretty large crowd of people around. So I ‘sir, I appreciate that but you are gathered here today in protest of the rights of immigrants and other people of color, that is an inherently violent stance to take’. Anyways, I don’t know why I expected this asshole to have enough of a brain to actually engage with me but as soon as Tony stepped out from behind me he made another grab at him and I wasn’t having that so I stuck my foot out and tripped him.”

“Hey, Erik, Tony is going to buy everything HYDRA owns and burn it to the ground, wanna come burn some Nazi shit with us?” Bucky says into his phone. Rhodey shakes his head, smiling because Tony is looking at Bucky with a weird amount of excitement in his eyes. The man _despised_ Nazis for some obvious reasons, but at least some of them had to do with Howard having actually been around when World War Two was a thing. He had Tony late in life and so Tony probably grew up hearing first hand accounts of Nazi horrors. That, and he was in a relationship with a black man. If he didn’t hate Nazis Rhodey would be packing his things and never speaking to Tony again.

“So…?” Sam asks, prodding Rhodey to continue.

“Alright so I trip this one guy and he goes down like a two hundred and twenty pound sack of shit, boom! So I’m looking for an escape route to get Tony and I the hell out of there but the crowd is tight and then this other guy starts getting close so I hedge my bets and think maybe he’s just closer because the crowd was also moving in. For some stupid reason I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well that lasts all of three seconds and he starts doing that stupid cobra thing guys do in fights and I am _not_ a snake charmer so he leans in and he goes to try some shit and boom! I knock that asshole out, no thank you, I am not getting my ass beat by Nazis today,” he says, shaking his head. That was not how he thought his day would go but as usual Tony dragged him into some weird situation that he ended up making the best of.

“That’s one and a half down,” Sam says, gesturing for him to continue.

He shrugs, “the other two were mostly going in for revenge for their fallen assholes and thought they would win if they rushed me at the same time but like Tony said, I’ve been in _war_ and the worst thing these jackasses have seen is someone calling their Nazi bullshit white tears on Facebook so they both went down easy. And that’s how I became Sam’s hero,” he says, laughing as Sam nods.

“Anyone who punches a Nazi is my hero, and Tony is okay I guess because he defaced their property. So what happened when the cops showed up?” Sam asks.

Rhodey snorts, “by then the remaining Nazis knew who was _really_ superior so they were trying to beat feet out of there and I was too because honestly if the cops show up and find four white dudes on the ground and a black dude standing over them it won’t matter that all four white dudes are decked out in Nazi gear with HYDRA badges and stuff all over the place, they’ll take one look at the situation and blame me. It’ll be ‘oh Donald, we have four Nazis and black man who is presumably not a Nazi, which one is wrong here? Who’s to say, but probably the black man,’” he says in a terrible sounding British accent that sort of sounded like he was imitating Charles. “Anyways so I grabbed Tony and we disappeared back into SI but that video _exploded_ so hiding didn’t do much good.”

“Erik’s in,” Bucky tells Tony, “he’s trying to escape Charles now, start buying shit.”

T’Challa frowns, “I understand why Sam, Rhodey, and I would be upset given the obvious racism from the HYDRA Nazis- we are all brown. But Bucky, you are white, why are you so upset?” Bucky gives T’Challa an annoyed look, “what? This whole Nazi thing, at least in present times, is somewhat new to me. We do not have Nazi’s in Wakanda. Extremists yes, Nazis no. So explain,” he says, gesturing for Bucky to say something.

“You do remember I’m Jewish right? They don’t really like the Jews- why? No reason,” he says, shrugging. They all watch as the light goes off in T’Challa’s mind as Bucky turns back to his phone. “Oh, yeah, Erik, you’ve escaped? Sweet, see you in ten,” he says and hangs up.

T’Challa shakes his head, “oh. Well that is unfortunate- good luck burning things down,” he says.

*

Rhodey and Peter look over the morning newspaper and he sighs while Peter laughs. One month Tony has had to buy everything related to HYDRA or Nazis to torch it and he’s made a significant enough dent that they were all scrambling for cover. “Chaotic good,” Peter says.

“You don’t even know the half of it. Once this guy was trying to kick him out of a bar because he didn’t want Tony pestering him so Tony bought the damn bar,” he says.

Peter’s eyes bug out, “seriously? That’s hilarious!”

“Maybe if that guy isn’t your boss that’s hilarious but unfortunately Tony, as per usual, didn’t think of _me_ and _my_ feelings before going and doing stupid things and I ended up with a boss that hated me until I ended up replacing him.” And damn didn’t that just piss him off more, but Rhodey was genuinely better at his job and it was his own fault for riding Rhodey’s ass so hard and basically making Rhodey do his job anyways. If he hadn’t done that out of a misguided hate for Tony he wouldn’t have ended up replaced when his bosses noticed Rhodey was a better fit for the position.

“Okay but you have a military career most would kill for, no pun intended, because that guy hated you so much he made you do his job and then you ended up _with_ his job. And now you’re a legend for punching Nazis. Tony’s dumb stunts sort of made you a historically important person,” Peter says.

Rhodey makes an offended noise, “first of all my own dedication and hard work made me historically relevant, _not_ Tony. But his stunts helped a little bit. Honestly can you even imagine what the future will say about either of us?” he asks, spying the morning headline.

_Stark Buys HYDRA Properties Just To Burn Them Down._

_Quoted Saying “what are you going to do, arrest me for burning my own shit?”_

God knows Tony gave the people of the future enough material to write several thesis papers on his every damn move let alone Rhodey. “Probably something about that time that awesome interracial gay couple basically took over the United States by holding really high positions in important institutional powers only to use those positions to troll the country and the world at large. Honestly if you two were crappy people we would be so screwed but you guys are mostly just interested in in punching Nazis and making memes about it,” Peter says.

 _Tony_ did the memes; Rhodey did all the heavy work punching Nazis and all that. Damn typical. “I like the sound of being part of the interracial gay couple that took over the world. I’m clearly the cooler half though, just saying,” he says.

Peter nods, “mhm,” he says.

“I _am_ the cooler half! Who punched Nazis? That’s right, _me_. Who has fought in wars? That’s also me? And who is the better looking one? Okay that’s Tony but I got two out of three so that counts,” he says.

“I didn’t disagree,” Peter says, hands in the air in mock surrender.

“I saw you thinking about it,” Rhodey tells him. “I’m the cooler one.”

“Cooler one of what?” Tony asks, interrupting the conversation. “Hey honeybee and smaller honeybee,” he says.

“Rhodey thinks he’s the cooler one out of you two,” Peter tells him.

“Well,” Tony says, “he’s totally right. I mean he puts up with me. And also he’s the prettier one.”

Rhodey presses his hand to his heart, “aww, thank you!” he says, impressed that Tony let him have the status of prettier given how much pride he took in his looks. Considering he’s been voted sexiest man alive at least five times the rest of the world clearly agreed even if he admitted that at least one of those times should have gone to T’Challa.

“I give credit where it’s due,” Tony says. “So- if I told you that I maybe hacked all of HYDRA’s stuff and replaced all the information with cat pictures and information about racism would you be mad at me?” he asks.

Rhodey sighs and shakes his head, “better than that time Natasha got memes banned in Russia. Also that’s hilarious. How has HYDRA been taking it?” he asks.

Tony laughs, “so far I’ve caught two hundred people in my coded booby traps and now everything on their personal devices is all cat pictures and racism articles too. They’ve been trying hard to code their ways out but they’re battling with JARVIS, not me, so they aren’t going to win.”

“They wouldn’t win against you either,” Rhodey points out.

“Yeah, but JARVIS won’t bury them under so many layers of shit that they’d never be able to climb out again like I would. Honestly I spared them and they should be grateful. Also cute cat pictures? Much better than what Erik wanted to send,” he says. Rhodey didn’t doubt that for a minute. Erik wasn’t a bad guy but he was pretty tightly wound on the best of days and only Charles had any luck calming him down and even then he was shitty at it.

“You know what you should have done? Sent them information on what a goddamn hydra actually is. They have multiple _heads_ , not multiple _legs_. These idiots are out there calling themselves HYDRA when they’re wearing fucking octopi on their sleeves,” he says, shaking his head.

Tony throws his head back and laughs, “honeybear, you always have the best ideas. I’m totally doing that next,” he says.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
